The Ballad of Shinji and Asuka

An abstract concept that most fail to understand,
Told to be foolish but actually so grand.
A lot say it and then follow it with “because,”
But is it really the right way to get the message across?

“Just thinking about you brings a smile to my face,
Even in the worst and gloomiest of days.
Some say you’ll falter and hurt me someday,
But who cares, I’ll still love you anyway.

I’ll brave the risks and give up all that’s necessary;
Big or small, just tell me love, don’t you worry.
Because as it stands, all I want is for you to see
Just how massively important you really are to me.

But then years pass and soon we fall apart.
When you distanced, I swear to god I cried so hard.
There were things you did I could not even begin to understand,
Like the times you would call me stupid, annoying, and bland.

One day love, next day hate,
Third day indifference, fourth day nay-
Soon altogether you decide to retract all speech.
How could this happen, you from here, to beyond my reach?

Your curses, temper, distancing, and passive-aggression
Make no sense at all without any explanation.
You would come then leave, give then take,
Tell me, what have I done to deserve all this heartache?

I’ve always loved you dearly, with all my soul.
Tell me, have I too in your life delivered such a heartfelt toll?
You’ve always been so heartbreakingly mysterious,
Always picky about your words, so frustratingly cautious.

You say “I love you” then brush me off.
You also run when things get tough.
You promised forever, together we’ll soar,
And yet now we’ve broken; what was all that for?

In time it became too much to bear,
Yet when we met once more, I still couldn’t help but care.
Why won’t you just speak your heart, your mind, and tell me why?
Aren’t you exhausted too of always having to cry?

Soon the loathing and guilt, as I fear, began to overwhelm me,
Corrode me, corrupt me, beyond what mortal eyes can see,
Did you notice at all, or did you feel?
Or do you still think this isn’t all real?

To this day I grieve the things I did when you’d been helpless.
They were right, I’m disgusting, crass, self-indulgent, and so utterly shameless.
I didn’t mean to openly hurt you as I had;
I was confused, resentful, and lonely, and went overboard a tad.
It was an accident, I swear to god,
But I guess I should’ve known better to nip my pain early in its bud.
“Just tell her the truth, be patient, my dear don’t you worry.”
Liar! I know it will never be enough to say I’m sorry.

I asked what I could do; she gave no response.
I waited and cried, and mourned all these many months.
I realize now that all I can offer her is my absence,
Nothing else besides that would ever make any sense.

As it stands she’ll never be able to forgive me at all,
Not after I’d already repeatedly, so abusively called.
All I can do now is just watch from a distance,
Perched on a branch, like a lonely, excluded avian.

I can tell you’re in pain, dear one, more than you’d care to admit.
When you’re ready, I promise to gladly join you at the pit.
You were never alone to begin with you see,
Because hey, you’ve always been welcome with me.

I meant it when I said I’ll always be waiting.
Why do you think I even gave you that ring?
My promises are promises for eternity,
And yet I can’t even adequately satisfy you with a sorry.

If one day you leave, indefinitely, I’ll accept it.
If one day you decide to marry someone else, I’ll still accept it.
But that doesn’t take away my right
To love you still, like always, with all my might.

I wonder to this day what your real thoughts and feelings have been,
If you truly cared, loved, or were just being the usual ice queen.
But I guess it seems we’ll never really know,
Since from this day forth, without fail you’ll always be laying low.

It was my fault to have been unnecessarily holding you back,
Kept you from growing, and properly receiving affection you lack.
I offered myself and tried to love you the best way I know,
And yet all I’d done was force you to want to go.
As it turns out, I knew nothing of bonds, of love and the like,
I was simply too young to know how to do it right.

Again I’m sorry and thank you for all.
I hope by letting go, you can finally, freely, stand tall.
In any case I hope you stay well even as you go,
Because in spite of it all, I still love you so.”

Love is so simple yet so unpredictably profound.
Maybe it really does make the world go around.
It is patient and kind; forgets anger and all offenses.
It believes and endures, no matter what happens.

When you say it, you can never follow it with “because.”
It’s not the right way to get the message across.
If it’s pure and true, then there should be no reason to this,
Because when you say love, it just is.

© Dylan Balde, 2016.


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